Here’s a scene I’m sure you’re familiar with. You’re at a show, the band is delightful, the venue is packed, your beer is cold…but you’re stuck standing behind a posse of hat wearing hipsters. At first you think nothing of the crew; seeing a group of guys in perfectly weathered t-shirts and hats taking incessant photos on their iPhones is nothing new, after all. Then you notice that they won’t put their damn phones down, and they won’t stop talking, and their effing hats are obstructing your view of the stage. Sound familiar? Of course it does.
But who are these hipsters exactly? And what makes them choose their various hats? I am going to break down in a completely un-proven, non-scientific manner the 5 distinct types of hat wearing hipsters.
1) The Slouchy Beanie
Ah the slouchy beanie. It could be 5 degrees or 95, it doesn’t matter – that head needs to be kept warm. Maybe it’s to cover a bald spot, maybe it’s because he hasn’t showered, or maybe he thinks it brings out the V in his V-neck – regardless of the reasoning, the slouchy beanie seems to permanently affixed atop his head. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good beanie. But for me the most impressive thing is the dedication that comes from wearing that beanie all night, no matter the size of the crowd or the amount of drinks consumed. Safe to say the slouchy beanie guy thinks he knows a thing or two about fashion, but also wants to seem like the “cool guy” who just rolled out of bed and tossed on a hat. But don’t be fooled, at least 10 minutes were spent in front of a mirror getting that slouch just right.
2) The Fedora
Look, thanks to Workaholics we all know the rule: one fedora per crew. But you can never ignore that one guy. The fedora guy can go one of two ways: either he is completely clueless and thinks this hat he picked up at a mall kiosk somehow makes his ill-fitting button-up and True Religion jeans look better (it doesn’t), or he is way, way too concerned with the way he looks. Under that fedora might even lie a second look, courtesy of lots of Axe hair-care products. The fedora guy is particularly annoying at concerts as the hat expands both the height and width of his head, making it much more difficult to see around.
3) The Snapback
I’m sorry, did you just go to Lids? Because that über-flat brim looks like it’s never been touched. Oh, you have all five of the stickers that came on it still on the hat in pristine shape? Well then you must really know a thing or two about collecting hats. Denver Nuggets, huh? Is that your team? Oh you’re from Maine, of course, so the Nuggets would be a logical choice. I know, I know, you’re a very eclectic white boy with an extensive knowledge of underground rap, but yet I seem to constantly bump into you at Century City.
4) The 5 Panel
Only recently starting to grow in popularity, the 5 panel hat is for the guy who wants to use his hat to tell people “Hey, I’m laid back. I like to go outside and ride my skateboard and am not afraid to get my limited edition Vans dirty.” (That or he is actually a cyclist.) But let’s be real, every scuff that appears on that perfectly splatter painted canvas is a blow to his heart. The 5 Panel guy can frequently be found wearing a tank top, and hanging out with his 19 roommates on the front porch of his “crib.”
5) The Newsie
No he’s not acting in the Broadway play, he’s just hanging out. He is also looking for the most out of his hat, as the newsie cap provides both shade and warmth, making it the perfect hat for…never. I guess if you’re like truly Steampunk, or making my coffee at Intellegentsia, or concocting a delicious cocktail at a whiskey bar then it’s maybe acceptable. But otherwise…just, why?
So there you have it. And look, we all have fallen for one of these hats before, and some of us have even worn them (myself included). But please, gentlemen, next time you’re at a show – be aware the effect your hat can have on those around you.
Not since I’ve started this blog have I really had a chance to write about a true intersection of headphones and hangovers. That all changed this week.
In round one of my company’s two-phase holiday celebration, I took full advantage of a 6pm-8pm open bar. And it took full advantage of me. That next evening I went to a live music show by on-the-rise hipster darlings Alt-J.
Here is what I took from that experience:
1) Cheap white wine is just as potent as nice white wine, especially when it’s doled out by servers who seem to watch a full half of football while they’re pouring the drink.
2) Always, always, ALWAYS eat a lot of food before consuming said wine, not during. I know, at 25 years old I should have learned this lesson by now – but alas, the further I get from my college years the more I seem to regress in my knowledge of Drinking Basics 101
3) Always maintain an open line of communication with your cab driver. Trust me, he will want to help you in your time of need.
5) Work can be your friend during a hangover. Ignoring it is sometimes the best cure, and making yourself focus on even the most simple tasks can help get your brain back to a normal state.
6) Don’t be afraid to have three breakfasts and then a big lunch. It will help you.
8) When recovering from an unexpected weekday hangover while knowing you have to drive accross town for a not so cheap show later that night, never let yourself feel defeated. Keep reminding yourself that live music fixes most worries, and that this band is pretty cool.
9) Volunteer to drive. It will save you from yourself when you get to the bar at the venue.
11) Enjoy the music. Those of us who attend their fair share of shows have a tendency to get overly critical. The sound mix is off, this giant dude keeps blocking my view, the band takes too long to come on after the opener, the set list isn’t perfect. Who cares?! It’s awesome that we live in a society that fosters so much creativity and we get to reap the benefits whenever we desire. Plus Alt-J rules!
12) I like this song. A lot. And now you can too.
Now, let’s hope phase two is a little bit easier to handle…