15 Pros and Cons of the S. S. Coachella

Yesterday it was announced that Coachella will be hosting a festival at sea in the form of the S.S. Coachella.  This caused me great internal turmoil, so I took to making a Pro/Con list.  It goes as follows:

1. 21+ (Pro)

For me, this is a big pro.  This means no beer gardens, just beer everywhere.  It means no high school tweens in half-shirts and body paint walking around making you question the state of society.  It means you can leave your passport/ID in your room and not have to worry about losing it.  It means Miley Cyrus won’t be there.

2. Exotic destinations (Pro)

Bahamas? Jamaica?  I can definitely get down with having an excuse to travel to both those places.  Maybe get some braids with beads put in my hair, buy an anklet or two, go see the Jamaican tour guide, the possibilities are endless!

3. Drugs on a boat (Pro/Con)

So let’s think about this one for a second.  Drugs on a boat can be awesome.  There are a lot of “zones” to play around in, you’re out on the open ocean feeling the wind at your back/face, there are (probably) very few law enforcement officers around – this can be good.  But hold on…how do we get said drugs on the boat?  What happens if we got caught with them on foreign seas? What if you have a bad reaction and suddenly feel like Shamu and jump overboard?  This could go very wrong, very quickly…

4. Seasickness (Con)

I don’t know about you, but when I’m on cruises half the time I’m enjoying the wonder of a portable resort at sea, and the other half I’m sitting somewhere silently with my head between my knees trying desperately not to hurl up the all-you-can-eat buffet I just enjoyed.  Now add in the excessive drinking, dancing, time in the sun, etc. and you’ve got a recipe for disaster, a.k.a. puke soup.

5. Way less music (Con)

Let’s be honest here.  Compared to what we usually get to look at for the Indio festival, the S.S. Coachella lineup is thin.  Granted 22 acts is still impressive, but I mean, the font size on the poster doesn’t even dip below, like, 24.  If I’m going to a festival I expect to at least see 7.5pt somewhere.  COME ON!

6. Pulp (???)

I simply can’t decide how I feel about this one.  I like Pulp.  The Trainspotting soundtrack is one of the first “cool” albums I ever owned.  But I mean…they’re Pulp.  And they’ve been around for…like…ever.  But they’re Pulp.  Ugh, yeah, still can’t make up my mind on this one.

7. Accommodations (Pro)

This is another big one.  Unless you’re one of “those people” who miraculously enjoys camping at Coachella (and guaranteed 75% of you who say you are are lying), figuring out where you’re staying in Indo/Palm Springs/Palm Desert is a fucking nightmare.  The Coachella cruise remedies this problem, as your ticket also includes your accommodations.  Plus they basically mandate having friends, as the room rates are based on double occupancy.  Downside?  Since most of us are chronically shit broke, we’ll end up with the crap rooms with no windows that feel every little motion of the very big ocean all effing night long.

8. Celebrities (Pro/Con)

Being trapped on a boat with the inevitable celebs that will attend this event has the potential to be awesome.  Out on the open seas anything goes, and who knows what happens when the Coachella-going starlet really lets her hair down.  So what’s the con?  You’re trapped on a boat with celebrities.  And those bitches be crazy.

9. Sleigh Bells (Pro)

Simply put, Sleigh Bells fucking rock.  Hard.  Their set at Coachella 2010 was one of my favorites because they just get after it and play really great music really great-ly.  That shit will be fun.  Guaranteed.

10. My Grandparents (Pro)

Coachella used to be a great excuse to spend a night or two before the festival at my grandparents’ in Palm Desert.  Homemade breakfast, access to the pool, lots of love – it was truly wonderful.  But this year my grandparents decided to leave the 150 degree oasis, meaning there would be no pre-Coachella fun times for me.  But with the S.S. Coachella, I never even had the option of staying at my grandparents, and therefore won’t miss it.  Crisis averted.

11. Andy Samberg & Nautical Themed Pashmina Afghans (Pro/Con)

The number of times this song will be sung in various forms by annoying ass drunk people will be in the thousands.  And while I love having a reason to rock a nautical themed pashmina afghan as much as the next person, this will inevitably make me want to jump ship.

12. Weather (Pro)

Being out in the tropical seas > Being in the blazing hot desert.

13. Cash money (Con)

This is something we need to seriously discuss.  Although the prices for the rooms are fairly reasonable (starting $500 per person), you’re fooling yourself if you think this is the only expense you’ll have.  This cruise is a full-blown vacation.  First of all, you’re going to have to get yourself to Ft. Lauderdale (where the ships are leaving from), and given that the typical Coachella-goer lives on the west coast, that shit ain’t gon be cheap.  You also won’t have the option to buy your own food or drinks at outside markets, you’ll be going into towns geared toward tourists, and you’re trapped on a boat filled with gift shops and restaurants.  Simply put, this thing is going to suck your bank account dry.

14. It’s on a boat (Con)

There’s a reason most of us don’t go on cruises that often.  They kinda suck.  You’re trapped on a boat for your entire trip, and after about 24 hours on board cabin fever can really start to set in.  (Also see #4)

15. It’s on a boat (Pro)

But, at the end of the day, it’s a festival on a boat with lots of activities, amenities, and tunes.  And that is pretty neat.

So what say you friends and readers? Will you be attending the S.S. Coachella?

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